If Guilt Could Kill

The Adorable 4 year old

The Adorable 4 year old

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are a mom {and a good one at that) you will relate to this!

Moms walk around feeling like they have to apologize for everything. I know, because I used to be that mom!!

I would yell and curse at my kids out of frustration because I was juggling too many balls and I was completely overwhelmed. My kids got the brunt of my emotions and I really felt like I no longer had control over anything. The worst part was that I had no idea why this was happening.

I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to have many children. That was my dream and my purpose. But then one day, I got a taste of business and fell in love with being my own boss, making my own rules, and setting my own schedule.

So what actually ended up happening in my life was more kids and more inspiration to build multiple streams of revenue. On top of all of this, I didn’t know how to stop the freight train of guilt and the roller coaster of emotions that came with all of this.

I thought, like most of you do, that I could have it all and remain calm, cool and collected while everything and everyone on my path would be fine!!! WRONG!!!

When I took on more business and had more children, I took on more guilt. When I couldn’t measure up to what everyone thought I should be—WAIT, no—what I thought I should be, I took on even more guilt.

As moms, we feel guilty because we are endowed with the intuitive responsibility to take care of our children’s every need. We are the caretakers. That is our JOB! In our minds, we have set up this high standard of what a perfect mom should look like. Then, when shit hits the fan, we feel a world of guilt.

When a conference call runs into dinner and you see the disappointment in their faces, you feel the guilt. When you can’t make the soccer game or the ballet recital, you feel the guilt. When you don’t have date night with your husband, you feel the guilt. When you are utterly exhausted and can’t bear to fold the last load of laundry—you do it because you feel the guilt!

Guilt is a feeling that everyone is familiar with. We feel guilty when we feel responsible for an action that we regret. For moms, guilt is best understood as feeling vulnerable and shameful, especially when it occurs as a result of your children’s reactions to your actions.

Here’s a doozy of a story—

It’s a typical Sunday morning with the smell of bacon and eggs filling my house as my husband plates breakfast for us. The kids are happy and content and so I’m in the mood to take off and get some much needed retail therapy.

Just in time though, we run out of clothes detergent! So I decide to hit TARGET and go shopping without the kids (because we all know you can’t shop with the kids)!!

Before I leave, my adorable 4 four-year old daughter, who has caught wind that mommy’s headed out the door, finds me in the hallway. As I exit the house and get into the car, baby girl is standing there—screaming. The screams are so loud and horrifying, that the neighbors must think she’s actually being tortured with knives and fire.

At this point, I’m sitting in my car debating whether or not to go, practically falling apart because I feel so guilty about what is taking place. I need this hour to myself, but now I’m worrying about what my neighbors think and I’m feeling guilty over the fact that my husband will have to deal with the aftermath. Ugh, I feel terrible and all that’s repeating in my head is: “What a bad mom!!!!”

This experience shook me so deeply and at the same time, it gave me the kick in the ass I needed!!!

I was ashamed that my daughter acted the way she did. After all, what did I do that was so wrong as a parent to have a child act that way? I felt so guilty and pathetic. My feelings were literally crippling and they went something like this:
Stressed.
Sad.
Pathetic.
Ashamed.
Fearful.
Vulnerable.

Sound familiar?

As horrifying as this experience was though, it got me thinking: How do other moms feel and how do they deal with the guilt? How does guilt play into their every day lives and businesses?

For someone like me, I find myself battling guilt often because I work from home. I struggle with separating myself on a daily basis. I struggle with balancing both the personal and the professional.

When you work for yourself though, it’s critical to separate your personal and professional lives. Easier said then done, I know! Some nights you may need to give up time with your family in order to grow your business. It has to be done!

Now, back to that Sunday with my daughter—I ended up giving in. I got out of the car and told her to put her shoes on. I wiped her little crocodile tears and hugged her and put in her in her car seat. Off to TAGRGET we went!

Why? Because I was shaken with shame. I felt like I was being neglectful and that I was unworthy of spending that hour by myself. I didn’t get to take the shopping trip alone that day, but this incident made me realize how much of a problem this really was. For the first time, I decided I wanted to make it stop AND I realized how much I wanted to help other moms deal with their guilt as well, because no one deserves to feel like this.

I also learned from my daughter’s quick recovery that if I do leave the kids behind, they will live. They will not think less of me for making time for ME.

We—you and me—are worthy of time, whether it’s time for work or pleasure, we need to fuel ourselves. When the kids grow up, you want them to see all of you and every spectacular piece of you. You want them to see the beauty in the life that you created for them, but you will only create that beauty if you let go of the guilt. One bad day in their little heads will not last a lifetime and it does not erase all the love and hard work you put in daily.

So if you struggle with the guilt, here are 5 steps to help you LET GO of the guilt:

1. Acknowledge that you feel guilty and explore the WHY.
2. Address the emotion that it is triggering.
3. Set boundaries for your children.
4. Talk through it.
5. Stay consistent.

MOMS, we need to get over it!

You have nothing to feel guilty about! You will be a better mom if you take time out often! You need a resting place in your day. You need to take that call in peace.

We can be kick ass moms and mombosses. We can run corporations, travel, speak, be a student, lead, make money, and still have a family. We don’t need to make the hard choice to be a stay-at-home mom OR have a career. Why should you give up your dreams or not pursue what is joyful because of your children?

How many are giving up on their dreams right now because of the guilt!!??

I think back to the days when I was regretful for having a family because all I wanted was fifteen minutes to get on the phone with a Client or write a blog and my children were battling down my office door. It’s not that I regret being a mom, because that is part of my purpose and my dream, but rather, it’s the guilt that I put on myself for feeling like I had to make a choice.

Choices are not powerless. You put the power behind your choices. If you need time and you’re able to get it, then take it and don’t feel guilty for doing that!

The thing is moms, your kids are growing up to make lives for themselves. Do you really want your daughters to be boggled down with guilt so that it paralyzes them in following their dreams? Wouldn’t you rather have your son find a partner who can also provide for the family and be happy that she’s doing what she loves?

We have to stop apologizing for what we want! No one should spend her life defending herself unless she’s before a judge and jury and that’s another issue.

You have to start taking control and expressing to your family that you have needs. When your kids are grown and off doing whatever amazing things they are doing, you will be left sad and lonely and unfulfilled because you were so busy apologizing and feeling guilty for following your dreams.

It doesn’t have to be this way and I truly want every mom to understand that while part of being a mother is about being selfless, it’s also okay to be selfish sometimes in order to feel a part of something bigger.

To further explore how to get rid of the mom guilt, join me for a very intimate workshop where you will learn the strategies to separate yourself from your kids and talk yourself through the guilt!

You can grab a spot here: https://ifguiltcouldkill.eventbrite.com or sign up on our Elite Workshop page

andydsig

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